Showing posts with label Salma Hayek. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Salma Hayek. Show all posts

What kind of European are you?

[Warning: Very Informative post]

Over the years I have accumulated amazing skill in identifying people's accents. Yes, I started work on Tamilians and Mallus. Most of you Punju's reading this dont even know that Tamil and Mallu are two different languages. Don't worry. Most Mallus think there is not much difference between a Punjabi and a Hariyanvi...

Seriously not kidding -
Friend: "Arre tu Punjab kab jaa raha hai?"
Me: "Punjab?"
Friend: "Haan... MDI, Gurgaon?"
Me: "Abbe woh Punjab mein nahi... Haryana mein hai!!!"
Friend: "Oh... Different hai kya dono jagah?"
Me: *Disappointment*

Well, to be a true Mumbaikar you should forget that there is a world beyond Mumbai. And you dont have to have your last name as Apte, Madhukar, Thakrey etc to be a true blue Mumbaikar. You just have to have utter disregard for presence of a world outside.

Gupta saab: "My son works in Pune"
Thankrey saab: "Pune? Where is it?"

Yes. The world is divided into North Mumbai and South Mumbai. (Subject of another post)

Today, I am going to teach you how to find what European is the white guy standing in front of you. Next week, I ll teach the Europeans how to find what Indian is the brown guy standing in front of you. (Subject of another post... kitne subject mil rahe hain aaj)


But first thing first - I have installed like and Share buttons on every post. Do make ample use of those. And do join the fan page for The Time(pass) Of India. It is very important.

Now, you guys have always known that I am super awesome. Time has come that I reinstate that fact.

My class in ESCP (Which now is the #1 college in the world) had around students coming from 20 nationalities. So it was obvious that I was gonna pick on the subtleties of the accents. So here we go -

What kind of Europeans are they?

French:
*The easiest to identify. If a group of girls are standing talking among themselves and the language turns you on, then they gotta be french.

*If you find someone paying huge amounts of money for small quantities of food - they are french.

*If you meet them in their house and the clothes they wear indoors are better than the clothes you wear outdoors, they gotta be french.

*If you are in a hurry: you want to find if they are french or not - Ask them to say the word - "Home". Yeah. Easy. They ll pronounce it -"Ome". True French guys dont pronounce H.


Italians:
*Again easy to identify. While Indians in europe will give their right arm for a good Indian restaurant, Italians in Europe will never eat in an Italian restaurant coz it's not authentic enough!

* Their name or Surname ends with E, I or O. It has to be one of the three.

* The north Italians dont like the south Italians and vice-versa. Hmm... Very much like Mumbai. Mumbai, I think is slightly bigger though.


Germans:
* Tough to point out coz most of them speak good English.

* Will drive on of the following - Merc, Audi, VW. A true German never drives an Opel. Coz GM owns it. And screwed it.

* Will wear on of the following colours - Black, dark Blue, Grey, dark Grey, White. All other colours are considered gaudy.

* If you are in a hurry: to find out if they are German or not - Ask them a sentence with the word "already". Germans misplace "already". For eg- "We have talked already with the Professor."


Spanish:
* You cant go wrong here. Super easy. They are just spanish. And no, not all Spanish guys look like Antonio Banderas. And not all Spanish women look like Salma Hayek... Ah... Salma Hayek.

* If you are in a hurry: Ask them to say - "Project". They ll say -"Proyect." J is pronounced as Y in spanish.


English:
* If you think they are having serious problems speaking the Queen's English, they gotta be British. It has been proved that the British way of speaking English uses up 70% more calories than normal.

* A true English man wont call himself British.

* If you are in a hurry: Ask them to say "Tata". Now that Tata is buying their companies like that guy did in the "Rajnigandha pan masala" ad, everybody in Queens land knows what it is. They pronounce it as "Tatarrr". Yes, complete Indianization of Britian is gonna take longer than expected. :P


Scandinavian:
* If you find a white person, whiter than others and who speaks decent English, it's gotta be a Scandinavian. Now you cant ask what kind of Scandinavian he is. That would be too much. How big is Scandinavia anyway? As big as Mumbai? :P


American:
* Good people. Good sitcoms. Utter disregard for Grammar. Easy to identify. If they make too grammatical many mistakes with too much confidence, they gotta be Americans.


Well, I think that is about it. If I havent mentioned your nationality, well, it must not be that important. Or maybe there are more students in MDI than in all of your country. If MDI had its way, it would have it's own nationality. the students would be called Mandevians. And you would need a visa to study there. Wait. You do need to crack the CAT to study there. So yes, MDI is a country in its own.

So done. Just to be fair -

Indian:
* Brown. Easy to identify. Usually found around Indian restaurants. Doesnt find Indian food in Europe authentic, still spends 10 Euro per meal whnever he visits Amrit/Masala/Mirchi etc.

* To distinguish a group of Indians from other south Asian nationalities is very easy. You ll find various degrees of browness in them. You see, some of them are from the south, some from the north and some from Mumbai. But the major factor is the awesomeness of that group.

* In case of hurry: Just ask a group of Indians an address (Indians are always found in a group). Even if they landed yesterday, they will try to help you. Only one in five Indians has acceptable levels of English. Even the one who does, makes the Queen cringe under her crown. Like they say - Heavy lies the head that colonises other countries.



That is about it. This is such an informative post, I wonder if I should put it up on wikipedia.

If I have hurt the sentiments of people of different nationalities, well, if I cared, I wouldnt have written this post in the first place.

Anyway, join the fan page. Be a part of the awesome. http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Timepass-Of-India/117871761604310?ref=ts

Next week - What kind of Indian are you. Stay tuned.






What kind of European are you?SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend
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10 letters to the editor  

Salma Hayek of all factories...

Its been a long time since I posted! I received many smses from ppl who allegedly read my blog and they thanked me for taking a break from all the crap tht I have been publishing all so religiously for the last 6 1/2 months.... But you know wht...the celebrations are over! Jack is Back...er..srry I got carried there...

So? Wht do you wanna talk about? (Dont even bother answering, I cant hear you!) Let me tell you about my workplace...

As you know I work in (beep)... Some names have been changed (or beeped) to protect their identity...
My company is the leader in er...actually they are the leaders in whtever they choose to do! Transformers, Power distribution, automation, etc. etc. They are World no.1 (or thts wht they tell us) in all the fields I mentioned above...
http://www.askmen.com/specials/2007_top_99/60/fergie/by_rank.html
The factory where I work is the Salma Hayek of factories... Its so clean tht you can even sleep on the shopfloor! (Actually you can sleep anywhere if you can sleep in my room...)
The canteen is amazing! Its the Hilary duff of canteens... The food is provided by a mallu gentleman. And if we continue with the analogy it turns out tht Hillary's father is a mallu! Hillary Kotian!! hahaha....


But obviously you came here to read my rants! But you havent got any yet...Its like David Dhawan trying to direct Swades! So here are my ramblings...

There are somthings I wud lik to change here... Firstly I want the timings changed... I dont particularly like getting up early. Also I want a off on saturdays. Who made this rule about core companies workin on sats and Software cos gettin a holiday...

Oh, yeah! maybe the softys get real tired of typing on the PC... And we dont get tired of working on the shopfloor... Who do they think we are? Who am I ? Spiderman? Its my gift..its my curse... (oopsie! I wasnt supposed to reveal my identity on my blog)


Warning: Despo mechie talking crazy..

And yes! I want more girls on the shopfloor! And I dont mean the anjuman types...
http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/d/d6/180px-Anjuman.JPG
It will be an insult to the pretty factory! I want girls like Courtney cox and Salma hayek working it out on the shopfloor... For Pete's sake, whatever happened to gender equality in this country! (I can see my face being blackened by Shiv sena's mahila mandal...)

And...hmm...How about increasing our salaries ? I mean, we are working for cashew nuts! I mean cashew nuts in Goa! (Cashew nuts are cheaper than peanuts in Goa)

And how about makin me the President of operations, India...er... maybe tht was too ambitious of me... k.. Vice President will do for now...

Btw, inorder tht you guys believe tht I work a lil bit...lemme tell you tht I have my own Dell
laptop (2 gb ram) and my own fone (all calls are free!). Maybe its time they gift me a car... Honda Civic is wht I want... But wht the heck? I can work with a Honda City too...

God...they are gonna kick me out after reading this....So much for blogging...





Salma Hayek of all factories...SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend
Current Issues: , , ,
6 letters to the editor